8 Ways To Survive A Break Up When You Live In Esperance

8 Ways To Survive A Break Up When You Live In Esperance

Feel better soon, babe.

Author: Esperance Tide
Published: July 14, 2018

8 Ways To Survive A Break Up When You Live In Esperance

Break up are tough :’-( and they can be especially hard when you live in a place as intimate as Esperance. When everyone seems to know everyone and everybody talks, it can be hard to save face during a relationship break down. But don’t worry! We’ve given you 8 tips on basic human decency to get you through such a difficult time. Feel better soon, babe.

1. Be as passive aggressive as possible

When they give you the bad news, or you finally cut the cord, it’s important you communicate with them effectively. Comments like ‘see you never’ and ‘best of luck to you’ will help them feel better about the situation and definitely won’t make things awkward when you see them at the pub the following weekend.

2. Start seeing someone new straight away

Let them know it’s definitely over by hooking up with someone else the same week you break up. Even if you change your mind later and want to get together again, use the break up to pursue that secret crush you’ve been harbouring for months. It’s definitely not going to cause unnecessary drama at all.

3. Drive past their work every day to remind them what they’re missing

They’re probably trying to forget about you, so it’s important you make this virtually impossible. Drive past their work and house at every opportunity. Also consider ramping up your social media game so they know you’re living your best life without them—those generic Snapchats you ‘send to everyone’ will work a charm. While you’re there, why not suggest the two of you stay best friends?

4. Reveal that you cheated on them anyway

There’s no better way to kick a person when they’re already down than by throwing some betrayal into the mix. Keep things interesting by revealing that you never really loved them anyway, and you were cheating on them with their best friend the whole time. You will save heaps of face and come out on top.

5. Tell them you want the house

If you’re a real Esperance couple, there’s a high chance you’ve been going out since high school and you bought a block in Le Grand Estate together when you were 24. Now that your relationship has gone up in flames, it’s time to burn the house deed, too. Using your best passive aggressive tone, tell them to ‘lawyer up’ because you’re taking them for the lot.

6. Make sure they know they’re nothing without you

Now that it’s over, your role in the relationship can take the new form of hovering in the shadows of their life and reminding them no one’s ever going to treat them as well as you did. Text their mum daily with any nasty gossip you’ve heard about them to make sure everyone knows you were the mortar holding that unstable wreck together. Nothing going round the rumour mill? Start your own!

7. Make your friends choose

Is it even a real break up if you don’t divide your established mutual friendship circle? Text all your mates and let them know, “It’s them or me—pick your loyalties”. This will ensure they’re all emotionally involved in your latest saga, and will give you the same thrill Moses got when he parted the Red Sea. What better way to establish your dominance than to divide and conquer? Yas Queen, slayyy.

8. Share with absolutely everyone the intimate details

Whether it was the best sex of your life or the most boring, it’s important everyone knows the ins and outs of how things were in your bedroom now that it’s over. From comments about their body and performance, to sounds and stamina, definitely don’t hold back leaving out the embarrassing details. Even whip out the proof you creepily kept on your phone and show everyone what a legend you are. You’ve already disrespected your ex-lover beyond belief, why stop now?

Please note: This article was not intended as a form of advice. If you or someone else needs support in a crisis situation please call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 for 24/7 counselling.

Photography credit: @sheisthelostgirl

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